Everyone Struggles

but for some unknown reason, few of us are willing to admit it.

The last few days here have been a struggle.  A struggle with life, a struggle with faith, and a big struggle with Trust.

J has once again been put on medication for an infection.  Although this round its from a scrape that isn't healing on his arm.  Last time was the bug bites (mosquito) that weren't healing and got infected.  I am worn down.  I don't understand why out of the blue the last two months have been so trying for him.  So we have bumped up his immune system with Vit. C, started daily vitamins, and he is also taking acidophiles, on top of his antibiotic.  We are also looking at possible blood work and testing to "see" if there might be anything else going on.

And of course, the antibiotic has artificial flavors.  Which as of this morning, day 3 of the medicine has fully hit his system.  He isn't just "off the wall" the poor thing is "off his rocker" too!! 

I question our decision to let medications slide when there is a need for it when days like these happen.  I wonder at times if we should visit a compounding pharmacist, but the insurance doesn't cover one, and meds get pricey.  I worry that others will judge.   But it will pass.  It usually does.

Then there is the whole trusting God and having faith that He knows what He is doing.  Yes, yes of course I know He knows what He is doing, but its times like these that I really struggle.  Am I being called to walk another road?

God gives me too much credit on what He thinks I can handle.  I would seriously never give myself this much to juggle.  E. V. E. R.   I don't see myself that strong. 

I am tired.  I want to have "less" of this and more of "normal". When this passes though am glad that our life isn't "normal".  Normal after this is boring.  Its dull.  There is no ride to enjoy.

I am not sure why I walk this road.  But I do.  I am not sure why God has allowed this to happen, but I am thankful that He allowed the circumstances to happen that helped us find out that something wasn't quite right, otherwise we might not have found those swollen lymph nodes.  I am not sure if God is going to ask me to walk a tougher path then the one I am already on, but I will trust that He knows what He is doing.  I will trust that regardless of what He sends, He will also send the grace that is needed to go on.  Even if its just inching forward as I struggle along, pulling myself down this path.  He knows.  He cares.  And He loves, even when I struggle.

And I am going to admit, that I am struggling right now.  I am discouraged.  I feel as though I am failing as parent (who doesn't though?).  And I would rather just hide in my shell and pretend that days like these don't happen.  But they do.